Jokes for Intermediates

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Q: Why don't sharks eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.

Q: What did the doctor say when the invisible man called to make an appointment?
A: Tell him I can't see him today.

Q: How many sheep does it take to make one wool sweater?
A: I didn't even know sheep could knit!

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Why bother, he won't come anyway.

Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

I used to be a werewoolf... But I'm much better noooooooooooow !

What's the difference between capitalism and communism?
Under capitalism, Man exploits Man. Under communism, it is exactly the opposite

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares!

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

Wife: If I left you for some man, would you be sorry?
Husband: Why would I be sorry for a man I don't know?

Friend A: Every time I get drunk I see rabbits with red spots.
Friend B: Have you seen your doctor?
Friend A: No, just rabbits with red spots.

Patient: Are you positive I'll get well? I've heard doctors sometimes give wrong diagnoses - and treat patients for pneumonia who later die of typhoid fever.
Doctor: Don't worry. When I treat a man for pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia.

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.

"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."

Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.

Man:"God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God:"So you would love her."
Man:"But God, why did you make her so dumb?
"God:"So she would love you."

Q: What did the doughnut say to the loaf of bread?
A: If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole.

Boss: You're late. You should have been here at nine o'clock.
Worker: Why, what happened?

Postman: I've had to walk five miles to deliver this letter to your farm.
Farmer: You should have posted it!

Beggar: I haven't had food for so long. I've forgotten what it takes like.
Passerby: Don't worry, it still tastes the same.

Judge: Guilty. Ten days or two hundred dollars.
Convict: I'll take the two hundred, thanks.

Girlfriend: If we get engaged to be married, will you give me a ring?
Boyfriend: Sure. What's your phone number?

Good news and bad news

A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says,
"I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

Topic: News

Worker wants day off

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says,
"I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see."
She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says,
"What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

Grammar: Present Perfect Continuous

Train Schedule

Said to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late?
The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

Grammar: 2nd Conditional

I don't think I know

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

Pronunciation: word stress

I haven't done my homework

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."

Grammar: 2nd Conditional; Present Perfect

Galley slaves

The captain is telling the galley slaves that he has some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is,' he begins, 'that you'll all be getting a glass of whisky tonight.'
'And what's the bad news?' asks a slave. 'The Captain wants to water-ski tomorrow!'

Grammar: Future Continuous

Note to the parents

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school. "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home."

Grammar: 1st Conditional

Good eyesight

An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said,
"Mira el mosca!"
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, señor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."
The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said,
"Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."

Grammar: Past Continuous / Interrupted past

Snail in the bar

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

Grammar: Past Simple

Alaska
1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother. I'll ask her myself.

Pronunciation: /h3:/

Everybody blames Somebody

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Grammar: pronouns; could have + past participle

Woman without man

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

Grammar: punctuation

Cursing parrot

A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly knew bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much. As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,
"That language must stop!".
But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again,
"Don't use those ugly words!"
Again the bird cursed him. Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer, threw the bird into it, and closed the door. This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened:
"I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there.. what did they say?"

Grammar: Past regular and irregular verbs

Hawaii

Two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii."
One student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other student said it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound.
Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct.
The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man.
The old man said "you're velcome."

Pronunciation: /v/ vs /w/

Graffiti and the teacher

Every day, an ESL teacher was seen coming out of the rest room with a marker, used for writing. In the rest room were expressions and graffiti written on the walls. It was very bad. Finally, the Director of the school called the teacher into the office and told the teacher that it was terrible of him to write those things on the walls. The teacher said that he was not the one writing those things. All that the teacher did was to correct the grammar.

Grammar: reported speech

3-legged chicken

A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged chicken. He accelerated and passed the chicken. Three minutes later the chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph. The man tried to catch the chicken but it ran down a side road. The man followed it into a farmyard but couldn't find it anywhere. He saw the farmer and told him the story and the man asked for an explanation. The farmer said that he, his wife and his son all liked chicken legs so he bred 3-legged chickens.
"What do they taste like?" asked the man.
"I don't know", replied the farmer, "we haven't caught one yet"

Grammar: Compound adjectives; past simple

The Monk

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said
"What are your two words?"
"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said,
"What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

Structure: To have done nothing + Verb

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