Jokes for Elementary to Pre-Intermediate

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Two-liners

"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?"

Waiter, call the manager. I can't eat this terrible food. There's no point, sir. He won't eat it either.

Look out! You've got your thumb in my soup!
Don't worry. It isn't very hot!

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no-body to go with!

Why are Saturday and Sunday strong days?
Because they are not weekdays!

What did the traffic lights say to the car?
Don't look now. I'm changing!

I have 12 legs, 12 arms and 8 heads. What am I?
A liar!

Wait a minute, what's your thumb doing on my steak?!
I don't want it to fall on the floor again, sir.

Waiter! This plate is wet.
That's your soup, sir.

Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.

Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a karate fighter?
A: Pork chops.

Q: Why is number six afraid ?
A: Because seven eight nine (seven ate nine)

Q: How do you spell mousetrap?
A: C-A-T.

Wondering doctor

Doctor: When you get up in the morning, do you have a sore throat, a pain in the middle of your shoulders and feel terribly depressed?
Patient: Yes, I do.
Doctor: So do I. I wonder what it is.

Grammar: So do I

Talking to God

A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

Grammar: How long, how much

Father or mother?

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

Vocabulary: Families

Heaven and Hell

What's the difference between Heaven and Hell?
In Heaven... the French are the cooks, the Germans are the engineers, the British are the police, the Swiss are the managers, the Italians are the lovers
In Hell... the British are the cooks, the French are the managers, the Italians are the engineers, the Germans are the police, the Swiss are the lovers

Vocabulary: Jobs, Nationalities

Student mistakes

The day of the oral exam:

Teacher: Are you nervous?
Student: No, I am not. I am single.

Teacher: Is this your pencil?
Student: Yes, I am a pencil.

Teacher: What are you wearing?
Student: I am fat.

Three EFL students are walking down the road to their remedial listening comprehension workshop.
"It's windy" says the first.
"No it isn't, it's Thursday" says the second.
"Me too." says the third, "Forget the listening, let's go for a drink!"

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