Jokes for Upper-Intermediate and Advanced

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Hair-raising story

What's a waste of energy? Telling a hair-raising story to a bald man!

Vocabulary: Compound adjectives

Ugly Baby

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said,
"Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Grammar: Reported Speech; Superlatives

An insistant duck

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. The bartender says
"What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd): No, I'm afraid we don't. And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar. The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out. The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says, "What the heck do YOU want?"
Umm. do you have any nails?
What!? OF course not, yells the bartender.
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?

Pronunciation: connected speech

How to get out of a locked room

Q: A man was locked in a room with only a bed, a calendar, and a piano. How did he drink, how did he eat, and how did he get out? Another man was locked in a room with only a mirror and a table. How did he get out? A third man was locked in an empty room. How did he escape?

A: The first man drank from the springs of the bed, ate the dates off the calendar and played the piano until he found the right key, which he used to unlock the door. The second man looked in the mirror to see what he saw. Then he took the saw and cut the table in half. Next, he put the two halves together to make a whole. Finally, he crawled out through the hole. The third man broke out with the measles.

Vocabulary: polysemic words

A Good Teacher

One day, a teacher was attempting to teach the names of animals to a class of 5-year-olds. She held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy,
"Billy, what is this animal?".
Little Billy looked at the picture with a disheartened look on his face and responded, "I'm sorry Mrs. Smith, I don't know.".
The teacher was not one to give up easily, so she then asked Billy,
"Well, Billy, what does your Mommy call your Daddy?"
Little Billy's face suddenly brightened up, but then a confused look came over his face, as he asked, "Mrs. Smith, is that really a pig?"!

Phrasal Verbs: Give up, come over, brighten up

100 Penguins

A truck driver was driving 100 penguins to the New York Zoo when his truck broke down on the freeway. The driver got out of the cab and was looking at the engine when a second truck driver stopped in front of him and asked if he needed any help. The penguins' driver explained that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asked if the other man would take the penguins there. He agreed. Some hours later, the second truck driver drove past the first one, who was still waiting on the freeway for help to come. The penguins, however, were still on the truck! "I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver. The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."

Grammar: Past Continuous; Interrupted Past

Do you deserve to enter heaven?

A man died and went to heaven. An angel met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, 'Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you - we've examined your whole life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not sure whether we can admit you into heaven or not. Can you tell us anything exceptional you did that can help us make a decision?'
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied,
'Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of goons. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the gang. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him that he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!'
'I'm impressed,' The angel responded, 'When did this happen?'
The man replied, 'About two minutes ago'.

Descriptive vocabulary; Reported Speech

Improve Your Memory!

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it has made a big difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" Then he turned to his wife and asked,
"Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Grammar: Past irregular verbs

The Juggler

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said,"Holy Mother, I've got to give up the drink! Look at the test they're giving now!"

Vocabulary: pull over, overhand, underhand, do a double take …

Happy Birthday Boss

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?
" His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?" His workers responded, "A puppy."

On the topic of 'tasting'; Past simple

A little old lady

A little old lady from a small village in the middle of the country has recently been widowed. She decides that she has spent too long confined to the village and that it is time to see a bit of the world. The first thing she decides to do is go and see a wonderful place in Barcelona that she has heard so much about: the Corte Inglés! One day she asks a nephew of hers to drive her to Tarragona station. Once there, her nephew buys her a return ticket and makes sure she gets on the right train. He also tells her that she has to get off at the Passeig de Gràcia. The train arrives, the little old lady gets off and she follows all the other people along the platform, up the stairs and out into the Passeig de Gràcia. Of course, she has never seen anyhting like it in her life. So grand, so majestic, so full of life. She starts walking and soon gets hopelessly lost. After a while she decides to ask someone the way. She stops an extremely elegant woman and says:
"Excuse me, could you tell me the way to the Corte Inglés, please?"
"Of course," says the woman, pushing back her hair to reveal an extremely expensive diamond earring.
"Go straight on (she points in the right direction and shows a beautiful, gold watch on her left wrist) and then take the second (she shows two fingers on one of which there is a large ruby ring) right (she points again with her right hand to reveal a magnificent silver bracelet). The Corte Ingles is at the end of the street."
The little old lady is astounded at such opulence and feels that it is only good manners to reply in the same way. She sticks a finger in her mouth to reveal a gold tooth and says, "Thank you very much."

Directions; Clothes and accessories.

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